I try so hard. I don’t want to let anyone into my life. I don’t want to show any kind of emotions to anyone. I don’t want people to know what I’ve been through, that I feel like I’m slowly dying on the inside, a little bit more everyday. For a while I was really good at doing that, but I’m losing my touch. When people find out how I actually feel and find out all the things I’m hiding they say, “You’re so strong.” No I’m not. I’m not nearly as strong and tough as you think I am…but I’d never let anyone know that. I feel as though every second, every minuet, every day, I die just a little bit more. Soon I’ll be nothing but a little pile of dust, a ghost of what used to be.
I’m so fucking tired of waiting for you. That is all I seem to do anymore. Why do I keep running back to you? The first time we were ever together it was amazing..then we talked less and less and then one day out of nowhere you left. Not to sound cliche…but you broke my heart and that’s never happened to me before. We didn’t talk for a long time and I seemed to think of you a little bit each day. You asked if you could talk to me a little while ago and you apologized for everything and by the end of the night I was saying that I loved you just like I used to…despite that tiny voice in my head telling me not to trust you again. Like usual, I didn’t listen. You have a way of getting me to do anything you could ever want me to do just by that way you talk to me. I get so sucked in and it’s like I don’t have any control over it. I hate that more than anything, yet at the same time I can’t get enough. We talked just like we used to and it felt like you’d never even left. Now it’s happening all over again. For a while we got down to just one message a day…now I don’t even get that much. You promised me…you said it’d be different this time, better. Well guess what? It isn’t different in any possible way. Stop controlling me. Please, I’m begging you. I can’t say no to you…I’ve never been able to and I probably never will be able to. You suck me into that same stupid trap whenever you feel like it. It will kill me so much to finally say that I’m done with you..but it’s something I have to do. I need to be free and get away from you. Run and run and never look back.
My heart just stopped beating. You’re officially gone…without any warning at all, just gone. I remember when we met. You said that I’d forget about you and I promised you that night that I never would. Now the tables have turned and I’m the one who isn’t so sure of things. You disappeared so now I’m left wondering if you’ve forgotten. I wrote down all those things you told me that night because I didn’t want to let myself forget something as amazing as that…but do you remember it at all? I’m sure I didn’t mean all that much to you…I didn’t expect to, but for some reason you meant a lot to me. You used to write constantly and I loved reading it so much. I remember you said that some day you wanted to write a book and I remember telling you that I would love to read it. You always thought you were a terrible writer, but in all honesty I thought it was amazing. You said I could read some of your stuff on a rainy day when I was really bored….I ended up reading it for hours that night because I just couldn’t stop. I read all the things you wrote…every day I read something new of yours while sitting in class. I thought it was the one constant in my life. I could just read it whenever i wanted to and I loved it. For a while I stopped reading it, I just didn’t have the time. Then tonight I realized that I missed you so I tried to go to your blog and found that it was just simply not there anymore. No reason at all, no explanation, just gone…everything. That was my one way of getting closer to you, my one constant in life….it isn’t there anymore. Do you know how that makes me feel? No. Of course you don’t. You said that you liked reading the things that I write and that you’d keep reading it. You were the only person that told me not to give up on my life. You promised me that it would get better. Then you left.
At first, my heart stopped beating and I couldn’t even breathe, then I just felt angry that you’d leave like that….now I’m just upset and crying. You were the one that doubted me. You said that I wouldn’t remember you and we made a lot of promises. Now I’m the one with doubts.
So do you remember me after all this time?….Will I ever get to find out?
Do you know what I miss? You. I miss you more than I could ever tell you. I miss us. I miss those nights when we’d stay up until after midnight just texting each other and then spending the whole day texting each other even more. Those nights were the best. I miss waking up on one of those summer mornings – when every other normal person is sleeping – I get woke up at eight with a text from you. It was from you though, and that’s what makes it all worth it. I miss the way things used to be when we first met. Things were just so simple back then. We were best friends and that was it. I met you one day and not ever five hours later we were beginning to become good friends. That’s never really happened to me before….you’re really the best friend I’ve ever had.
Why don’t we talk the way we used to? I feel like we’re just drifting apart…I know we’ll always be friends though. We’ve just been busy, that’s all. At least I hope that’s all. When we make plans you have to cancel, or I’m too busy to come, or you can’t get a ride. I want to text you all the time but I don’t know what to say and you’re probably busy and, well….I’m an awkward person….and I make things awkward. Once school is out, we won’t be busy and I can’t wait for that.
We always have so much fun together no matter what and I just can’t wait to have a full summer to just hang out with you. As of right now, I miss you so much, but I know we’re always going to be friends and I absolutely just love knowing that.
I hardly ever sleep anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. In a strange way, I almost enjoy it. I try not to let myself sleep in the first place. I have my reasons, but that’s another story for another sleepless night. It’s not like I don’t sleep for the fun of it, I actually do have reasons that I don’t let myself sleep. I’m pretty sure I have insomnia anyway, so it’s not all me.
Also, on the nights I actually do want to sleep, I can’t do it. Whenever I lay down I tremble and shake. I’m not cold, but I shake as though I’m freezing. Whenever I start to drift off to sleep, I jerk myself awake. I can’t help it. There’s just something in my subconscious that doesn’t want me to sleep.
Even now, at one in the morning, I’m wide awake. I don’t feel even a tiny bit tired, but I’m trembling.
Has this ever happened to you, or am I just insane? Sometimes I wonder…
Maybe by about three I’ll get tired. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t shake, or at least not shake so violently that I wake myself up. Meanwhile, I’m having trouble typing, so goodnight…or good morning.
Have you ever noticed how care free kids are? It’s amazing how content and happy they can be just while doing nothing. I miss that so much. Why is it that people above the age of nine can’t just have fun? How did it become this way? Why do we go from having absolutely no cares at all to being so stressed that we just can’t take it anymore? I think that after so many years of bossing little kids around, we should finally stop and take a lesson from them. I dare you to try it. I dare you to spend a day with a little kid and then tell me how you feel. Instead of bossing them around, let them do whatever they want. Believe me, they aren’t clueless, they know what they’re doing, and unlike us, they know what they want.
For example, some of the most funnest times of my life happen with my six year old niece, Neva. She takes me into that world little kids seem to live in, instead of Earth, like the rest of us. She can make me feel like a little kid again, and totally forget my troubles. I can honestly say that she is the only person I’d hold hands with and go running through the Walmart parking lot with. She lets me have fun. I guess some people don’t enjoy having fun anymore. You don’t see a lot of people running down the empty aisles of Walmart the way me and Neva do, but I honestly think that if more people would let themselves be kids again, they would be so much happier.
Things would be different for those people who work all day, go home, and do it all again the next day. We all just need to let go of our everyday lives sometimes. I think if we let ourselves have fun, we wouldn’t be so boring in our boring little old lives. It’s sad to think that we aren’t kids anymore. Sure, we do have responsibilities now, but that’s no excuse not to have fun anymore.
If you don’t know any little kids, then go be with your friends. Go to a playground and just swing for a while. I promise that if you take a day to be a little kid again, you’ll feel much better.
Have you ever felt like you need someone in your life? Not as an actual relationship, or even friends for that matter. Just a mere existence in your life. I know I do. I just need someone that I know will be there. Someone to understand the things I’m going through. I know that no one can ever really understand, and I don’t expect anyone to. No one has ever been where I have. I’ve never been where you are either, but I can honestly say that I’ll be there.
There are some people in the world that have gotten really close to where you’ve been though, and that’s something we all need to remember. These are the people you need to find in the world. If there is anything you need to do in life, that’s it. These are the people who will keep you going, give you hope day after day. These are the people that are truly there.
See, life is a huge crazy, scary thing. It’s good to know that there is someone there with you though. Since life is always changing so unpredictably, we need to have at least one thing in our life that will never change. It’s comforting knowing that they’ll be right there with you every step of the way. Once you’ve been lucky enough to find these people, keep them. Hang on to them as tight as you can, and don’t ever let them go. Deep down, they need you just as much as you need them. As you know, they have it tough too. They have to get through the day, and have hope too. Be there for them like they’ve been there for you.
I’ve been blessed enough to find those people in my life. I couldn’t be happier. I need them so much. I need them to save me from myself. And I pray that maybe, just maybe I can save them too.